Some of my thoughts on Motherhood

Now being a mom, I think about Motherhood a lot. But when I'm pregnant, it brings about more thoughts. And then waiting for this slow week to go by, so I can go to doctor and find out if this baby is healthy and if baby is a boy or girl has brought about a lot of contemplation.

Of course a lot of my thoughts are focused on myself as a mother. With two very active and independent little boys, I have my hands full. Then there is the factor of Gavin's extra needs. Sometimes I feel like I have twins. Gavin is socially and communicating at about a two and half year old level, and Xander has thought he was two for at least the last six months. The only differences are they were actually born two years apart, and I have a really smart 4 year old mind orchestrating, masterminding, and leading the way. Granted, all kids have their own set of challenges, but mine are a different set of challenges than most, and it's really hard for me at times. I'm not going to go into details, but it took a change of heart before I was ready to even consider having a third baby. Even now I sometimes wonder what I was thinking. How am I ever going to be able to handle three?

I'm humbled at the thought that the Lord feels like he can entrust me with another one of his little ones to care for. I'm so eternally grateful for each of my children including this little one on his or her way. I know that the Lord has sent each of these little individuals to be a part of our family. Though at the same time, I sometimes feel guilty... for doubting, for maybe not be grateful enough, for not being a better mom, and all those things the very human side of us mom's feels.

I have seen so many women in my life who struggle in one way or another with having children of their own. Whether it's finding someone to marry, being able to conceive, being able to have invetro work, being able to carry their baby to full term (miscarriages and wondering whether their premature baby will survive), and the list goes on. I don't think we even know the half of what a lot of women are secretly dealing with. My heartaches for them, especially when I am pregnant. I do try to be sensitive to that secret silent heartache. I try not to openly complain (though my husband and a few close friends will tell you I have my moments), but beyond not being negative about my pregnancy I also try not to be boastful or over the top. Because as grateful and excited as I am, I never want someone to feel like I'm rubbing it in their face though I know I can't really get rid of the sting completely because I'm pregnant and they're not. Our roles could just as easily have be reversed.

So when I'm feeling like I can't cope with my children, I try to be grateful I have children. Though I am not one to say I really like being pregnant, I remind myself I'm grateful to at least BE pregnant and have the privilege of feeling this baby move and grow inside because there is no other feeling like it. As hard as life gets at times, I am grateful... grateful for the opportunity to be a mom. To learn from, grow with, and love my children with all my heart.  It's a blessing I'm grateful the Lord has chosen to give me, and I know those women that may not have the opportunity now will eventually have that opportunity.

As I was cleaning, I came across this poem/story. I think it came in a card from my Aunt RaNae when I had Xander. It was the reminder I needed yesterday. So this is to all the moms... those who have children, those who want children, those who have to wait to get to heaven to see their children. We have been placed on this earth to be different than men, and to be a part of God's plan in way that only we as women can fulfill.

A newborn's conversation with God

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?" God said, " Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy." God said, " Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?" God said, " Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" and God replied, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.

"Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

And God said, " You will simply call her, 'Mom.'