Time for Change

I bet you were wondering if I would be back once I finished my blog posts on Kentucky... Well, here I am!

So I wanted to touch on a more serious note today. It's time I had a little honesty session with myself, and if I share with you then maybe, just maybe, it will help you and you can help me too. 

But then it'll be back to updates... I have plenty of them. ;)

As I hinted at when beginning my Kentucky posts, 

I've been struggling... emotionally, physically, at times a little bit spiritually, and mentally. Let me tell you a little bit about it, but then I want to focus on the next step... change. 

I believe that part of change is confronting the past, so I can better look to the future. So here's the short version of what I'm about to confront... 

My whole life I have struggled with body issues and self-worth. I remember being called names like "the jolly green giant." It was hurtful. I cried, but I dealt with it and most of the time I was happy. 

I want to stress that most of the time I am STILL happy, but struggles come. 

When I was pregnant with Gavin I gained a lot of weight and was alone a lot. I really began to struggle. Then once he was born, I had postpartum depression. It took a while to get out of that, especially since at the time I didn't even realize what I was dealing with. Xander came and once again I had postpartum depression, at least this time after awhile I was able to put a name and face to it. This was also at the same time we were first learning about the extra struggles my sweet little Gavin was going to be dealt in life. Again... hard. And then Landon came and so did the postpartum depression. I was more aware and ready this time. After a couple of months I even decided to go on medication. The medication helped. I gained a lot less weight with Landon because I had gestational diabetes and was on a strict dietary plan. So I got busy and started losing weight. Between exercising, eating better, and my medicine I felt a lot more in control. 

Then last August, we decided to put our home for sale. Long story short... it's still for sale. Then add in caring for 3 crazy, busy, silly, active boys and life in general, I didn't have time to worry about myself (or so I thought). I ate not only when I was hungry, but also when I was happy, celebrating, sad, mad, bored, or frustrated. It has been a downward spiral for me physically since. I tried to do something about in the spring, but it was short lived. 

Then about 2 to 2 1/2 weeks ago I had had enough. It finally reached the point where it was more painful to keep on the road I was then to change and follow a new path. I started disciplining myself and using portion control and self-control. I've lost 5 pounds already. I'm getting up earlier. I'm blogging again. And on Monday I'm getting ready to start a 90 day challenge with a small group of people led by my friend  Mindy Rose. 

SO here is what I've learned so far 

and how I'm going to use it to change me:

• Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. I have always loved the Lord and even though I trust in Him, it is hard to be totally unwavering all of the time because I don't understand or can't truly comprehend His plan for me all of the time (OK most of the time). I'm terrible at waiting, especially if I am not sure if there is anything else I can do about it. So as part of my change and motivation I created this in Picasa, and I'm going to print it and put it on my fridge. (The picture is of a hot pot in Yellowstone that we took a few years back.) I need the serenity prayer's reminder each day in my life. I need to trust more wholly in the Lord.

• I am loved. My husband, my children, my extended family, my friends, my Father in Heaven all love me. AND they love me unconditionally... including the condition of my body. I struggle with remembering and knowing this. It's hard to understand how someone can love me so much when I am not sure I like myself. But the goal is to accept their love for me, especially my Savior's, so that I can better love myself as I am and as I am changing. It's okay to be a work in progress. AND then by accepting love I can also love deeper in return.
• Through the Atonement of the Jesus Christ anything is possible. Always easy... no, but always possible. These changes won't be permanent if I don't involve the Lord. I want this to be more than a physical change. I want this change to affect all parts of me. If I want the change to last I have to make be continually making and keeping up changes. Again I will have to accept the fact that I will always be a work in progress, and it is okay.
• No matter how hard life is, I always have something to be grateful for. Ben and I have been trying to be more aware of the day to day workings of the Lord in our life. As our awareness increases we just have more and more to be thankful for in our lives.
• I would never want a life different from the one I've got. As we have been getting ready to start our challenge, Mindy asked a few questions... one of which was when we were our happiest. For me it was the day I was married to Ben, and each of the births of my children. My family is my life, and I would never change that. We were also asked to hang up a motivation picture on our fridge. Here is what I printed off to hang up. 

• Last of all, I can do hard things. I may not always get it right, but with time, faith, and the Lord I will... even if it takes me my whole life and after! Hard things are what makes me... well, me. And hopefully, each hard thing I have and will encounter will change me for the better. 

My goals I'm beginning the next 90 days...

1. Lose weight, exercise, and become more healthy.
2. Begin figuring out how to take time for myself so I'm a better wife, mother, and person without letting it take away from my family and other responsibilities... aka BALANCE.
3. Be more forgiving of others and myself.
4. Count my blessing everyday.
5. Learn other ways to cope with stress and depression without having to go to food or take medication.
6. Have fun and enjoy my life.
7. Never quit or give up on myself.

So there you have it. Sorry to be so long winded, but I needed to write all of this down... it's part of my journey. Thanks for helping me begin.