Some of my thoughts on Motherhood

Now being a mom, I think about Motherhood a lot. But when I'm pregnant, it brings about more thoughts. And then waiting for this slow week to go by, so I can go to doctor and find out if this baby is healthy and if baby is a boy or girl has brought about a lot of contemplation.

Of course a lot of my thoughts are focused on myself as a mother. With two very active and independent little boys, I have my hands full. Then there is the factor of Gavin's extra needs. Sometimes I feel like I have twins. Gavin is socially and communicating at about a two and half year old level, and Xander has thought he was two for at least the last six months. The only differences are they were actually born two years apart, and I have a really smart 4 year old mind orchestrating, masterminding, and leading the way. Granted, all kids have their own set of challenges, but mine are a different set of challenges than most, and it's really hard for me at times. I'm not going to go into details, but it took a change of heart before I was ready to even consider having a third baby. Even now I sometimes wonder what I was thinking. How am I ever going to be able to handle three?

I'm humbled at the thought that the Lord feels like he can entrust me with another one of his little ones to care for. I'm so eternally grateful for each of my children including this little one on his or her way. I know that the Lord has sent each of these little individuals to be a part of our family. Though at the same time, I sometimes feel guilty... for doubting, for maybe not be grateful enough, for not being a better mom, and all those things the very human side of us mom's feels.

I have seen so many women in my life who struggle in one way or another with having children of their own. Whether it's finding someone to marry, being able to conceive, being able to have invetro work, being able to carry their baby to full term (miscarriages and wondering whether their premature baby will survive), and the list goes on. I don't think we even know the half of what a lot of women are secretly dealing with. My heartaches for them, especially when I am pregnant. I do try to be sensitive to that secret silent heartache. I try not to openly complain (though my husband and a few close friends will tell you I have my moments), but beyond not being negative about my pregnancy I also try not to be boastful or over the top. Because as grateful and excited as I am, I never want someone to feel like I'm rubbing it in their face though I know I can't really get rid of the sting completely because I'm pregnant and they're not. Our roles could just as easily have be reversed.

So when I'm feeling like I can't cope with my children, I try to be grateful I have children. Though I am not one to say I really like being pregnant, I remind myself I'm grateful to at least BE pregnant and have the privilege of feeling this baby move and grow inside because there is no other feeling like it. As hard as life gets at times, I am grateful... grateful for the opportunity to be a mom. To learn from, grow with, and love my children with all my heart.  It's a blessing I'm grateful the Lord has chosen to give me, and I know those women that may not have the opportunity now will eventually have that opportunity.

As I was cleaning, I came across this poem/story. I think it came in a card from my Aunt RaNae when I had Xander. It was the reminder I needed yesterday. So this is to all the moms... those who have children, those who want children, those who have to wait to get to heaven to see their children. We have been placed on this earth to be different than men, and to be a part of God's plan in way that only we as women can fulfill.

A newborn's conversation with God

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?" God said, " Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy." God said, " Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?" God said, " Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" and God replied, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.

"Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

And God said, " You will simply call her, 'Mom.'

The battle of perfection

I've never read this guy's blog before, but someone had a link up on Facebook for this post of his. I thought it was profound and something that I've thought about myself... it just seems like the more I grow up and the more I get to know people and life, the more I realize I really have no idea what goes on behind closed doors of others' homes. If we could all just be a little kinder to ourselves and others and realize no one is perfect. Christ is the only one who did and will accomplish that in this life. So anyway, read this blog. Think about it. And give yourself and others permission to make mistakes, to learn, to grow, to be happy, and not just endure through this road we call life. We all be a little bit better for it.

Birthday Week: Saturday

On Saturday, Ben held down the fort while I prepped for our first friends birthday party. I finished the games and decorated the cake. At three, 4 little boys showed up to party. We decorated diaper boxes to look like cars.

Then we raced them.

After they were tired from driving their cars around. They played "pen the plow on the tractor." Grandpa Kevin, Grandma Ann, and Jacob showed up while we were playing. Which was perfect because once we were done, it was time for cake and ice cream followed by presents. We finished off the afternoon with playing in the dirt and with the new toys.

It was a little crazy at times with 5 four year old little boys, but it was also a blast. I think everyone had a good time. And we couldn't have asked for better weather... except the wind. It was just windy enough to blow things away and for it to take like 10 times to get the birthday candles lit (with the help of lots of hands blocking the wind) for Gavin to blow them out! But what can I say, we do live in Idaho.

Birthday Week: Friday

Ben turned 29 this year. Hard to believe next comes 30! Neither of us feel like we're getting old enough to be anywhere close to 30, but then again I guess, we're about to be the parents of three. Crazy.

Ben has Fridays off because he works 4 10s, so even though it was a pretty typical day, I tried to keep it relaxing for him. When then had a yummy dinner of roasted veggies, grilled chicken, and grilled corn on the cob. His cake was a sugar creme cake adapted to be gluten free. It was good, but I've got to play around with the recipe a little more. The funny part about the cake was it was so hot I completely melted the bottom of the candles in it... ooops. Then to end the day, he opened presents with the help of boys.

It wasn't out of the ordinary, but it was a good day. Hopefully this week or some time soon we'll make it out for a date night to celebrate his birthday. And with 30 coming up next year... I'm going to have to do some thinking over that one.

Birthday Week: Tuesday

Gavin turned four! My little boy is getting to be so big. Tuesday was low key because Saturday we had a birthday party with friends. More on that to come. I made pizza for dinner (since any time I ask Gavin what we should have for dinner he tells me pizza) and ice cream for dessert. Since it was actually his birthday, he got to open his two presents from mom and dad. He was so excited and loved them. He even slept with the tractor that night. The video is a mesh of a few things from that night. One of which is him singing "Happy Birthday" to himself! It was so cute.

Picture this if you will...

Though maybe you don't want to.

Me - 4 months pregnant

running with a (almost) 40 pound

(soon to be) 4 year old.

If there were any onlookers,

they were probably laughing.

ME NOT SO MUCH...

I was to concerned with the blood dripping

from the gash by Gavin's eye and pooling in his ear.

After returning from our walk yesterday, the boys hopped on their bikes and rode along side my friend and her girls we walk with. As we got down to the end of the street, Gavin tried to turn around. He was on the slope of a driveway and was going too fast, so he biffed it... not the first time. He was in tears, so I went over and helped him up, dusting him off and checking him for damage. He seemed to be okay until I looked up. A gash above his eye but below his eyebrow started running with blood. He saw the blood and freaked. I handed his glasses and the care of Xander over to my friend, scooped Gavin up, and ran.

We got home and got him cleaned up. The bleeding stopped without much trouble, so I was hoping for the best. After he was calmed down, we headed over to find Xander. Over the next half hour, I debated on what I should do. Though the bleeding had stopped, the wound was deep, and it continued to ooze and weep. I called Ben to consult with him, and he just said, "I'm coming home to help." And can I just say how glad I am he came along, I couldn't have done it by myself. I love my husband.

When Ben arrived home, we left straight for our family doctor's office. They fit us right in. But poor boy, he screamed to have it cleaned. He screamed to put on the numbing gel. He then really screamed when it was time for the stitches. Not only was he strapped to a board, but Ben held his hands and body while the nurse and I tried to hold his head still for the doctor to be able to stitch him up. We didn't even know how many stitches he ended up with, we thought five or six, until bathtime last night... it was six. We were just a little too preoccupied. After the whole ordeal, the doctor's office sent us away with two free cones from Sonic. So on the way home we stopped to pick up ice cream for the boys. Even though it was way past lunch time, we thought they deserved something good.

After that Ben went back to work and my day continued on about like normal. Gavin was ready to ride his bike again by the time he got home and hasn't even really acted any different. He mentions his owie from time to time, and even asked Heavenly Father in one of his prayers today to help his owie not hurt. But other than that he's a trooper. He's going to have quite the shiner for a while.